A Bathing suit made me hate myself

I have to be honest. I started this post completely different. and I even saved it so I could read it again and see how stupid I was to even think the thoughts that I had.
I am 5'1" and I weigh 123 pounds after three children, the last one at age 36.
I have close to 20 scars all over my body and skin pigmentation problems on my face and back so that I can't even tan right without looking like a dalmatian.
I try so hard not to hate myself for not looking like I did when I was 20. What? Nobody looks like they are 20 when they are close to 40, unless you had work done or you are a celebrity and your body is your money-maker. Why are women so hard on themselves?
I bought a bathing suit today and I went home and tried it on and have been depressed ever since. I have been walking around the house, moping and starving because I saw my body in a bathing suit.
I eat clean and I work out, but not 7 days a week, and I don't kill myself. I am healthy but not perfect like I would like to be.
I am healthy, for goodness sakes! That is worth way more than a skinny ass, and here I am complaining about how imperfect I am.
I am going to still work out and eat clean because it helps with my skin issues, but I am going to really try not to be so down on myself and be more grateful. I think this is the greatest offense to myself, that I am ungrateful to my body for looking the way it does.
If I was my body, I would tell myself to f*** off and never speak to me again.